MY RESPONSE...
Wow, this prompt spoke to me from a variety of angles…
I joke quite a bit that I have patience issues. I really like starting projects or initiatives…yet once they get up and going it is not nearly as attractive to do the careful and often long-term support. I have questioned this in myself for sometime. Is it that I don’t challenge myself with finding the next opportunity? Is it that I am just ready for a new challenge? Is it that I don’t care? In each situation, the next opportunity has “found” me. In reflecting on Mayeroff’s writing, perhaps I have not defined patience in the same way he does. I have definitely fully participated and given fully of myself so perhaps what is meant to find me does. The patience isn’t about the one project or initiative…it’s about the big picture goal of what I am meant to accomplish.
I will admit that my new addiction is the TV show Glee. It has brought up more high school chorus memories than I care to mention. One of my favorite quotes from years of choral singing is “The pause is as important as the note” (Truman Fisher). Most of my memorable spine-tingling moments are pauses before an amazing climax or the final note of a piece. Not being patient with these crucial elements can ruin the piece. This is especially true in any improvisation. When a four-part voice improv begins, all members must listen to the “groove” of the first singer and then build something unique and authentic to complement. If one person loses focus or isn’t present to all voices, the rhythm and the pause; the piece can fall apart.
I also have thought about my journey of singledom over the past year and half. So often I am happy as can be on my own—with my freedoms, friends and chosen fun. But there are days that my patience runs thin with not having the “perfect” partner in my life. Someone to wake up to, to work with house projects on, to go to dinner, etc. I can fully appreciate Mayeroff’s words “I must give myself a chance to learn, to see and to discover both the other and myself; I must give myself a chance to care." A large part of my last year plus has been rediscovering and growing me—and those things that are who I want to be. I know that with this care and patience, what is meant to find me will.
Patience.
The act of waiting for what you intend
But don’t always receive
Right away.
Patience.
The act of listening
For what you may not understand
At the time.
Patience.
To be confused
And in chaos
And let that be ok.
Patience.
The act of caring
To wait for the best
Of what’s to come.
***
THE PROMPT...
"Patience is an important ingredient in caring: I enable the other to grow in its own time and in its own way. (The growth of a significant idea can no more be forced than the growth of a flower or a child.) By being patient I give time and thereby enable the other to find itself in its own time. The impatient man, on the other hand, not only does not give time, but he often takes time away from the other. If we know that someone is impatient with us, or if we are impatient with ourselves, even the time that we might have had is often reduced.
"Patience is not waiting passively for something to happen, but is a kind of participation with the other in which we give fully of ourselves. And it is misleading to understand patience simply in terms of time, for we give the other space as well. By patiently listening to the distraught man, by being present for him, we give him space to think and feel. Perhaps, instead of speaking of space and time, it would be truer to say that the patient man gives the other room to live: he enlarges the other's living room, whereas the impatient man narrows it.
"Patience includes tolerance of a certain amount of confusion and floundering. But this tolerance is not adherence to a rule which says I ought to be tolerant, nor is it a kind of indifference to the other. Rather, tolerance expresses my respect for the growth of the other, and my appreciation of the 'wastefulness' and free play that characterize growth.
The man who cares is patient because he believes in the growth of the other. But, besides being patient with the other, I must also be patient with myself. I must give myself a chance to learn, to see and to discover both the other and myself; I must give myself a chance to care."
Milton Mayeroff
1971
On Caring
New York: Harper & Row, Publishers
17/18
I have never take time to consider the connection between patience and tolerance.
ReplyDeleteAs Mayeroff shared, "Patience includes tolerance of a certain amount of confusion and floundering. But this tolerance is not adherence to a rule which says I ought to be tolerant, nor is it a kind of indifference to the other. Rather, tolerance expresses my respect for the growth of the other, and my appreciation of the 'wastefulness' and free play that characterize growth.” When I consider any group process I have been a part of, this tolerance is what builds trust and, if observed, leads to the creative, rich end result. This week I have been working on a proposal for one of our grant committees. I have worked with a local nonprofit to obtain the needed statistics, referenced lots of places on the web…and wrote the memo. My boss is an attorney and always helps to ensure the most direct, compelling language. My co-worker is a lifelong local community member who reminds me of what makes sense locally (and always catches the grammatical errors). Is the proposal where it started, absolutely not. And it is better for it!
I have considered tolerance in the social or cultural context. I appreciated the Prayer for Tolerance Emmanuel shared. The two passages that most caught my attention…
Oh Lord!
Teach me tolerance
When I have tried everything on earth
And my best effort comes to naught
When those with bribes take the prize
And somebody somewhere doubts intelligence
Oh Lord!
Teach me greater tolerance
When I have prayed and fasted and prayed
And nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing changed
And I know you are there and see all
The wicked it is, that prosper.
The proposal I mentioned above happens to be on the emergency food system. The more I learn, the more I am reminded of the cycle of poverty. The fact that little things like ensuring night and weekend hours can make a huge difference for someone trying to work and still receive the assistance they need. Anecdotally, most people on food stamps run out the last week of month. And the stories and cycle continues. What tolerance and patience it takes to be hungry in our country.
As you consider any end of year gifts, do consider your local food bank or pantry. They are meeting a growing, vital need in our communities at this time and can really leverage your dollars to ensure healthy, nutritious food is distributed.
Hi Annie... I seem to recall "patience" (or was it "slowing down to go faster"?) emerging as a topic when we worked together at CLA.
ReplyDeleteHere's another little question.... where does "wisdom" (which I don't necessarily think is a proxy for age!) fit into the patience equation? Your posting got me to thinking about my interactions with Kael and Erin.
jeff
Look forward to discussing this over sushi tomorrow...my initial thought is that wisdom is knowing the value of patience...and the care (active state) it demands (per Mayerhoff).
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